Absolutely Fabulous (series 5)

Edina's home is a mess, and she has done some more remodelling as usual. The changes include a pool in her bathroom, and a shower that washes and buffs her like a car wash. Her new client Emma Bunton comes by to discuss new jobs. It turns out Saffy was Emma's head girl at school and Emma knows that Saffy would be disturbed by Edina's squalid house. When they realise that Saffy is coming home that day from volunteer work in Africa, Emma urges everyone to clean up. Patsy gets obsessed by organising a drawer full of odds and ends. When Saffy arrives, Edina taunts Saffy for becoming fat and fulfilling her "genetic fate." Saffy informs her that she's not fat, she's pregnant. Edina tells Saffy that she should tell people that she is pregnant right away or people will think she is fat.

Guest stars Emma Bunton (Herself), Llewella Gideon (Tanning Beautician)

Edina has a nightmare about Saffy's baby trying to stab her. It turns out that the face of the nightmare baby belongs to Saffy's midwife, who delights in teasing Edina about these nightmares. Edina expresses her displeasure about this baby. Saffy invites the father of the baby to the house to tell him she is pregnant. In the meantime, Edina and Patsy have organised a book club, but no one is interested in reading any books except celebrity magazines. When Edina discovers that John Johnson, the father of Saffy's baby is black, she is overjoyed, because she thinks a mixed-race baby is the greatest accessory, the "Chanel of babies." When Saffy tells John that she is pregnant, he replies that she should tell people that she is pregnant right away or people will think she is fat.

Guest stars Mariella Frostrup (Herself), Jeanette Krankie (Midwife), Kristin Scott Thomas (Plum)

Edina builds a panic room. Patsy is at her shop, Jeremy's, when Minnie Driver walks in. Minnie complains about not scoring any free stuff from other shops at Bond Street, and takes pictures of herself shopping to sell to the paparazzi. Patsy is determined to become Minnie's stylist, so she later invites Minnie to Edina's house. She has gathered racks of designer outfits with which to dress Minnie. When Minnie wants a necklace that Edina is wearing, Patsy wrestles Edina for it, and they accidentally lock themselves in the panic room. They believe they will be unable to escape for days because Patsy panicked and kept pressing the buttons on the keypad. While they are locked in, they play Trivial Pursuit over the intercom and camera with Saffy. They also discover that Minnie Driver has taken all the designer clothes. At the end Patsy and Eddy discover they were locked in for only a couple of hours.

Guest stars Minnie Driver (Herself)

Edina begins an ad campaign for Prince Charles' biscuits, and claims that it is "by royal appointment". Consequently, she begins to associate with the wealthy socialite crowd, and buys a weekend at a country house hotel at a Tatler auction. Saffy typically disapproves of Edina's plans to go game hunting for sport. Upon arrival, Patsy and Edina discover that nothing is in season, and the place doesn't even have any jacuzzis or massage. So they content themselves with horseback riding and clay pigeon shooting. Patsy tells Edina that the Rothschilds were laughing at her. Edina becomes angry and determines that she will kill something, and goes out with Patsy with guns blazing in the middle of the night. They bring a pheasant back to the hotel, which Edina puts in the closet. In the morning they discover that the pheasant is still alive. Patsy tells Edina to pull its neck but Edina bonds with it and drugs it and releases it into Hyde Park. At home, Emma Bunton and Sarah bring gifts to Saffy for a baby shower, and Sarah becomes obsessed with Emma. Sarah stalks Emma, and Saffy eventually calls the police and has Sarah arrested.

Guest star: Emma Bunton (herself), Clarissa Dickson Wright (Gamekeeper), Christopher Ryan (uncredited)

Saffy is preparing her home birth kit. She's due to have the baby anytime, and she wants to have it at home. Patsy is the hostess of the Style Awards at the Royal Albert Hall, and she arrives wearing a very expensive, one-off Hookie Mookie made of silkworm saliva. Edina helps Patsy rehearse her speech but is interrupted by Katy Grin, Bo, and Marshall. Katy talks about her work in the musical Chicago. Bo and Marshall talk about their Christian Family Creation adoption service, which is a service for busy Hollywood actresses who have no time or desire for pregnancy. Saffy and Patsy shove each other trying to get up the stairs, and then suddenly Saffy's waters break, spilling baby juice all over Patsy's expensive clothing. Mrs. M. attempts to save the Hookie Mookie, but she accidentally burns it with an iron. Saffy retreats to her bedroom with contractions. In a rare moment of support for her daughter, Edina tells Patsy she won't be able to go to the awards show. Mrs. M. runs to go get forceps, and Katy Grin sneakily makes a phone call to say she can fill in for Patsy at the awards show. John and Justin next arrive to the house, and Edina tries to show up her ex-husband by telling John that Justin is gay. Bo gets drunk and develops a plot to snatch the baby for the adoption service. Justin and John go to change the hot water settings, but they accidentally knock out the house's power. Patsy tries on some of Eddy's clothes, but is a laughing stock. Katy runs off to be a hostess at the awards. Eddy protects her daughter from Bo and Marshall's baby snatching scheme, but Patsy decides to help Bo and Marshall get the baby. Saffy eventually gives birth to a healthy baby girl. She and John name the baby "Jane", but Edina prefers the name "Lola." Bo and Marshall flee the house thinking they've taken the baby, but they've taken the placenta by mistake.

Edina's 'new' boyfriend Pete is a tape engineer who used to work at Abbey Road Studios during the time that The Beatles worked there, and who had found some unreleased tapes. In a studio, the girls have fun and Edina sings her 'walking down the road' song she loves. There are flashbacks from the sixties where Patsy is a man and they are at a recording for the Sgt. Pepper album. Back at home, Elton John had been invited to the party to debut the Beatles tapes, but gets annoyed and leaves when he discovers he was only invited to play piano in the background. Finally, just after proposing marriage to Edina, Pete plays the tapes at the party. Instead of The Beatles, Edina is heard singing. Apparently this is because Patsy had pressed the record button on the recorder in the studio by mistake whilst she was looking for champagne in the control room, and Edina unknowingly sang over the tapes. After realising they're lost forever, Pete collapses on the floor. The episode ends with Edina announcing she's off to New York because Yoko Ono wants her to record an album.

Guest stars: Elton John (himself), Robert Lindsay (Pete)

Patsy has booked Saffy's baby Jane (Lola) for a photo shoot with Jean-Paul Gaultier. Gran usually babysits Jane on Thursdays, so that Saffy can go out with John. But Gran does not come this Thursday, because Edina has banned her from the house. So Saffy and John are stuck at home, and Patsy can not take the baby to the photo shoot. Patsy and Edina prey on Saffy's insecurities and tell her that John will lose interest in her, Saffy bursts into tears and agrees and asks Edina to look after Jane while she goes out with John. Edina and Patsy plan to take the baby to have a photo shoot at the London Zoo. Saffy returns and finds out they took the baby out against her wishes and Edina explains that she has bonded with Jane, however it is later discovered that Edina has brought home the wrong baby.

Guest stars: Jean-Paul Gaultier (himself) Perou (himself)

For the first time ever, Edina has agreed to stay home and spend Christmas with the family. Edina typically goes overboard by buying a huge tree and tons of gifts. Patsy is very upset that she cannot go away on vacation with Edina as they do every year, as she hates Christmas. Patsy has a flashback of unpleasant Christmas memories of her childhood. Someone somewhere sticks a pin in a Patsy voodoo doll, and she collapses in pain beneath the Christmas tree. Although Edina and Saffy ignore her, John insists that Patsy needs to go to the hospital. Once at the hospital, the doctors tell Edina that Patsy is very sick and that she may die. Edina and Saffy return to the house to continue their Christmas celebration. In the middle of the night, Patsy's estranged sister Jackie arrives to visit her. The following day, Edina and Saffron drop by only to learn from a nurse that Patsy has died, only they find out that it turns out to be Jackie instead. At Christmas lunch, Patsy shocks everyone by asking for a slice of turkey. She manages to chew and swallow, but after not eating solid food for decades she chokes on it.

Guest stars Kate O'Mara (Jackie), Eleanor Bron (Patsy's mother)

Edina decides to remodel the kitchen again, and calls up her old minimalist friends. It turns out Bettina is divorced and is clinically insane and Max is revealed to be gay. Bettina transforms the kitchen into a stairless white box, but Edina hates it. Patsy, meanwhile, develops serious health problems and walks around with an IV stand. Saffron returns from her wedding to John in Kenya and reveals that he is a polygamist. Edina and Patsy head off to meet designers Terence Conran and Kunz for inspiration. At Kunz's store, Edina claims to have seen her ideal kitchen in a previous life, so she hires a channeller. The channelling session results in so much disruption in the household that Saffron and Edina argue once again, and Edina lashes out at baby Jane in anger. Saffron has finally reached breaking point, and kicks Edina and Patsy out of the house, which is in her name. Edina and Patsy end up lounging in the stylish window display of Terence Conran's Shop.

Guest stars Patrick Barlow (Max), Miranda Richardson (Bettina), Laurie Metcalf (Therapist), Nathan Lane (Kunz), Miranda Hart (Yoko).